Author Topic: Dad etc jokes  (Read 4592 times)

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2014, 08:03:42 PM »
Tony Blair is visiting a hospital.
"How are you today?" he asks the old man in the first bed.
"Wee sleekit cow'rin' tim'rous beastie," screams the man at him, so he moves on.
"And how are you?" he asks the second patient.
"Some hae meat but cannae eat!" yells this one.
"Hmm," says Tony to the doctor. "Is this the psychiatric unit?"
"Naw - it's the Serious Burns Unit."
………………….
Heard about the Scottish Rolling Stones tribute band? Their most popular song is, Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe.
…………………
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman are all friends of a kind man who loans them each $5.
He dies unexpectedly, and they are lined up beside the coffin being lowered.
The Englishman asks for a pause in proceedings, and puts $5 on the coffin – proudly announcing “never let it be said that an Englishman doesn’t pay his debts”.
The Welshman follows suit …  another $5, “Never let it be said that a Welshman doesn’t either”
The Scotsman thinks for a minute, then scribbles out a cheque for  $15,  places it on the coffin, takes the other notes,  … “And never let it be said that a Scot doesn’t either”

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2014, 11:15:58 PM »
PS There are some really top jokes here :-
http://severinbrowne.com/jokes.html


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #17 on: December 12, 2014, 03:11:55 PM »
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:1st November 2014
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:2nd November 2014
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude ourJewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family. 
Pauline.
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FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. 
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy-bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE:8 November 2005
RE: The F******* Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it. You鈥檒l get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rdDecember off with full pay.
John
« Last Edit: December 12, 2014, 03:14:09 PM by samdavo »

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #18 on: December 21, 2014, 05:58:06 PM »
Here's a joke for the old-timers :)

A man in a restaurant orders the house special.
An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup.
The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup.
Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten.
When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes.
Then in the coffee.

Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food.
The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm."

The customer says, "why don't you stick it up your ass!"
 And the waiter says , "I do that in the kitchen!"

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2015, 04:16:43 PM »
Not really a Dad joke - but worth contemplating :)

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #20 on: January 20, 2015, 11:51:14 PM »
THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
Pass to all 50 yrs. and older & anyone else who could benefit.
   
Cardiovascular Exercise
 
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.  This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you’re over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning:  It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down
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NOW SCROLL UP
That’s enough for the first day. 
Great job.
Have a glass of wine.
« Last Edit: January 20, 2015, 11:53:36 PM by samdavo »

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #21 on: January 22, 2015, 12:42:51 AM »
Speak now, or forever hold your teeth.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vflUnx8dFXI
funny dentures wedding

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LixOp30hFDI
Korean Politician's Teeth Fall Out - FUNNY

etc :)




samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #22 on: January 25, 2015, 02:38:52 AM »
Fellow walks into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asks him what he had/
He said “Shingles”

So she took down his name address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had .  He said “Shingles”

So she took down his height weight a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said “Shingles”.

So she gave him a blood test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked what he had. He said “Shingles”/

The doctor asked “Where?”
And the bloke replied “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #23 on: January 27, 2015, 11:13:28 AM »
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   
 
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
two men and a woman.
 
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
 
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   
 
Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair ..... Kill her!!'
 
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'
 
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
 
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
 
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
 
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.   
 
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This bloody gun is loaded with blanks !!! ....  ' she complained.

'I know' said the FBI agent smiling, reaching to give her her badge and certificate. 
 
' ....   So I had to kill him with the chair!' she said
« Last Edit: January 27, 2015, 11:34:06 AM by samdavo »

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #24 on: January 27, 2015, 11:32:28 AM »
...as Geena Davis once said,  "Chef's do that!"   :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B02dsLGLw4E
« Last Edit: June 07, 2015, 02:21:30 PM by samdavo »

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #25 on: June 07, 2015, 01:48:51 AM »
Don't mess with Senior Citizens!
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 80th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast." The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “Madam, this hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for £50.00. "That's correct! I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me." she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager."

"Well, that's too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens!

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #26 on: June 18, 2015, 08:54:14 PM »
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

samdavo

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Re: Grand Dad etc jokes
« Reply #27 on: October 17, 2015, 12:27:03 AM »
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”. At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Kevin".
« Last Edit: October 17, 2015, 12:35:27 AM by samdavo »

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #28 on: November 15, 2015, 02:24:35 PM »
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana  :)

samdavo

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Re: Dad etc jokes
« Reply #29 on: November 26, 2015, 02:32:01 AM »
Since the Aussie accent etc is currently under discussion in another thread, I enclose a link to a nautical joke told on the tenth anniversary of Aus winning the Americas Cup (in 1983) by the Prime Minister at the time, Bob Hawke (an ex-Labour Union leader).   It also allegedly "captures the Australian irreverence".   It also includes an attempt by an Aussie to imitate a Pommie accent :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0j5A3nWw